Lots of Owen hurting Asher going on around here. I try to avoid the scenarios, but it's virtually impossible that they're not alone together here and there. Follow-up discipline after the fact is NOT working. It's like he totally does not connect getting a spanking as a consequence of his behavior (and I am very clearly letting him know they're connected, and he does NOT like the spanking) and avoiding it in the future. The wise observer will question the intelligence of using pain as a deterrent to the child's pain-inflicting behavior. I question it myself. I used time-outs for a while and was getting nowhere so I upped the ante a bit. That, and let me tell you there is a surprisingly hot fire that ignites in a mother watching her baby be physically hurt...even if it is her other baby doing it. I do give him a spank in an emotion-free, restrained way, but it is sometimes taking a LOT of restraint on my part to do that. I have been realizing that in many of the scenarios, Owen may not have realized that he was hurting Asher...he may have just been 'experimenting' with him, and then when Asher cried, knew he was in trouble only at that point. Still stupid on his part, but maybe not as psychopathic as it seems. So maybe the rule needs to change to prohibiting him from touching Asher, rather than prohibiting him from hurting Asher. Probably I just need to keep a more watchful eye and avoid the possibilities altogether. I also think that I may need to back off on the consequences almost entirely. Or, just quietly, silently pick up Owen and put him in another room every time he is out of line. They say that when a kid starts popping out of his bed, the worst thing you can do is talk about the problem while you march him back to his room...that draws attention to it and pours fuel on the flame; you should not say a word and just return him over and over. I think that kind of thing may be going on here, because he looks awfully pleased every time Asher cries and I catch him. I feel SO SO SO bad that I have somehow allowed Asher to get hurt...I want him to feel safe around here.
It scares me that Owen has this mean-spirit at times. He sometimes lashes out at Reuel and I when he's frustrated, too. Why is he not scared of doing that?? How can we adjust the balance of power around here so that he does a little more quaking in his boots at the thought of crossing mom and dad? If he doesn't learn that respect now, at 2 and 3, he will certainly not learn it later. It's a troubling issue we are grappling with almost nightly. This morning I tried a new approach on tantrums...earplugs. He went for an hour and I 100% ignored him, didn't flinch, only brushed him aside lightly to step around him while he tried to cling to me, etc. It was hard. I cannot say it was all that successful. I was trying something new because the tactic where I get caught up in negotiating, calming him down, and often losing my temper with him is not healthy...and just perpetuates the tantrums. I really think that he has much too large a sense that he's in charge around here. {We've been working on a little saying that he can now parrot...'Daddy's the king, Mommy's the queen, and Owen's the peon!' Ha, ha! But that's just to make ourselves feel better because it's quite the opposite!)
Then, he goes and takes a nap this afternoon, and he's a different kid. Hugging his brother, saying 'OK, Mommy!' every time I say something to him, and playing by himself. Not that it's all about sleep, but it plays a role, it most certainly does!! Maybe he took a nap because we had such a stand-off this morning that he figured he'd better do what he was supposed to at naptime.
Well, I'm full of insecurity about this whole parenting job. I am definitely not up to figuring out everything this kid needs. So, I'm doing my best and putting the anxiety in God's hands. As of...NOW.
Asher is a-changin'! He's loving his food, wow. He gets quite fussy now if we're all eating and he isn't. He really wolfs the prunes and the sweet potatoes. Peas...take a hike. Who would want pureed peas over fruit? Not I. Asher will not lay on his back at all...insta-roll to the tummy. He spends almost all day on his tummy and he'll occasionally push up completely off his belly! It's impressive, considering his bulk. When he laughs, it is so purely joyful...I cannot imagine that anything has ever gone wrong in the world while I'm listening to that. He has taken to belly-chuckling if I swoop in on his face and touch his nose with mine. Owen can get laughs for that, too. Asher's really working on using these bulky mitts called hands. You can watch him concentrate, extend his fingers, aim, and then close them around something. And also the same with two hands aimed at the same thing. It's a new level of skill because he's being very controlled about it rather than just grabbing close to something and sometimes getting it. I do believe an interesting phenomenon is taking place...Asher has taken to doing this scream/moan thing, a lot. I thought he was doing it when he was getting tired, and that may be some of it. But now I think that he's imitating Owen whining and crying (which there is a lot of around here, unfortunately). He does it when no one else is making noise, and particularly when Owen is in his room for nap and Asher is up with me. I think he's sort of trying to find a voice, and I am NOT thrilled he's learning from the champ himself how to whine...at 6 months!! Ugh.
Owen, in the good moments, is stunning us constantly with his thoughts, creativity and capability. He sees shapes in everything. The ripped paper towel is an elephant (and when you look at it, you see what he means!), the half-eaten cracker is a letter L, and I've had to put a blanket over the side of his crib because the knots in the knotty pine look like eyes and are 'too scawy!' He is studying the concept of time, past and present. He is always experimenting with phrases containing all combos of yesterday, this morning, ago, a while, last year, a few days, later, etc. He's starting to think about words and meanings. Today he had a eureka moment: 'Mommy, Mommy!! A sucker is a sucker because it's a suck-er!' He is already obsessing about his birthday. I STUPIDLY mentioned that maybe he could get a fish for his birthday, and now it's all I hear about, and he is demanding 3 fish now, in a BIG rectangle tank, please. I told him he'd better not be too demanding or he could have no fish. For the record, 2.5 year olds don't really get that concept...or they play dumb if they do. At least once a day he looks at me with big doe eyes and says, 'Mommy, can I be big *now*? I don't want to be big later, I want to get big now!' I keep telling him that it's more fun to be a kid than a mommy or a daddy, but he's not buying it. Finally, today we were talking about Valentine's day. I told him that we can make some valentines for our friends and cousins and tell people how much we love them. He wanted no part of this experience...a vehement, 'No!! I don't want to do dat!! I don't like vantides' day!' How will our friends know that we love them, say I. 'No! We don't love dose friends. I don't like vantide's day!' Well, I guess you won't get any Valentine's day candy, then. That's too bad. 'Mommy, when can we make some of those cards for our friends?' Stinker.
Posts
