Tuesday, May 25, 2010
goodbye
Dear all,
After a very meaningful and comforting visit from my parents' pastor from North Carolina today, and after a day of sitting together, some praying, some singing, some remembering and some agonizing over the process, my Dad slipped from this life to the next at about 5:30 this evening. It doesn't feel real yet...what a strange mixture of having had time to see this coming with the reality of cancer, while feeling completely taken off guard. I'm sure many of you have also been through this!
I had brought the grandsons along for our visit this afternoon, and Mom went out to play with them while I said goodbye to Dad. I talked to him and sang...in so much silence while his breaths were getting far apart:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.
Then, just barely after having left the parking lot, Mom called that he had gone.
Oh, it is hard to say goodbye, and we are very sad. But we do not mourn as those without hope...because of Jesus, there is a place prepared for my Dad, and better a day in His house than a thousand elsewhere. Comforting religious notions at times like these, or a certain reality? I urge you, as my Dad would have, to seek that answer!
'Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.' I Corinthians 15:55-
'For all have sinned and and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.' Romans 3:23-
There will be a memorial service in North Carolina, and my sister and I and the boys will be traveling there soon. Our plans are not ironed out just yet, but my mom or I or Deb will be sending notice of the service as that rolls into place. I'll wrap up the 'updates' now...after saying a final THANK YOU for your prayers, your love and concern, acts of service, and continued prayer especially for my Mom as she adjusts to changes.
With much fondness,
Amy
After a very meaningful and comforting visit from my parents' pastor from North Carolina today, and after a day of sitting together, some praying, some singing, some remembering and some agonizing over the process, my Dad slipped from this life to the next at about 5:30 this evening. It doesn't feel real yet...what a strange mixture of having had time to see this coming with the reality of cancer, while feeling completely taken off guard. I'm sure many of you have also been through this!
I had brought the grandsons along for our visit this afternoon, and Mom went out to play with them while I said goodbye to Dad. I talked to him and sang...in so much silence while his breaths were getting far apart:
Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace.
Then, just barely after having left the parking lot, Mom called that he had gone.
Oh, it is hard to say goodbye, and we are very sad. But we do not mourn as those without hope...because of Jesus, there is a place prepared for my Dad, and better a day in His house than a thousand elsewhere. Comforting religious notions at times like these, or a certain reality? I urge you, as my Dad would have, to seek that answer!
'Death is swallowed up in victory.
O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.' I Corinthians 15:55-
'For all have sinned and and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.' Romans 3:23-
There will be a memorial service in North Carolina, and my sister and I and the boys will be traveling there soon. Our plans are not ironed out just yet, but my mom or I or Deb will be sending notice of the service as that rolls into place. I'll wrap up the 'updates' now...after saying a final THANK YOU for your prayers, your love and concern, acts of service, and continued prayer especially for my Mom as she adjusts to changes.
With much fondness,
Amy
Monday, May 17, 2010
brief update
As if things weren't a bit chaotic around here at the moment, Owen and I came down with a stomach bug starting on Saturday afternoon/evening. So far, Owen has gone the fever, malaise, lethargy, tummy upset route, and I have gone the fever, malaise, lethargy, exploding out all ends route (disgusting but true). Actually, throwing up was the best thing all night, I could finally rest after that. Right now I'm trying to repeat the sequence of events to achieve the same outcome earlier in the night. We'll see.
Mind you, I am REALLY not complaining. This could be worse. Owen has done no exploding. Reuel and Asher are clear so far. There are extra people at my house to help out. But all the same, it has been a challenge. Two kids who've seen less of mommy than usual, one sick and one separation-anxiety-ridden, and a mommy who barely feels like getting off the couch...Reuel took the afternoon off, and I owe him BIG! Speaking of, Reuel has been a model husband during everything my family's dealing with. We are all blessed by his unflappability, eagerness to do extra chores and childcare (don't get the impression the house is clean...I'm talking bare bones making sure there aren't aging diapers in the corner of the room sort of chores), and his listening ear when three emotional women get going. Thank you Lord for Reuel, a real gift right now.
An update on my Dad...
I have stayed away from the hospital of course, to my frustration, because my Dad does not need a stomach bug. But Deb, Mom and Reuel report that he wasn't quite up to his previous standard of the last few days. Moving slower, still in charge of the mental faculties, but the speed turned down. He was staring off and falling asleep a lot. Now, he was also given drug adjustments (changed seizure med. and added morphine), so only time will tell if these new effects are here to stay or not. His oncologist said it could really go either way. He also said that usually when a patient in his situation is given steroids to reduce brain swelling, they often pop back strong, right away, which hasn't happened with my Dad. So the bottom line is that no one has any idea how this will go...it's a day by day journey, and it's challenging to not be able to 'know' more than that. Yesterday, he seemed like he was on a trajectory to possibly be able to make a trip home. But today, not ready at all. There are 6 more radiation treatments, and 6+ days is a long way off in terms of knowing where he'll be. Please pray for my Dad's pain to be well-managed. Please pray that the Lord would smooth the path ahead so that it is clear what needs to happen at each step...what can we do but leave it in His able hands. I still pray for healing. I know my Dad would like to jump back into life and at the least be home again. But he has always affirmed that He is at peace with how things will unfold.
Now, here's a risk. If my Dad is headed soon for heaven, I don't think he'll be upset that I'm posting this picture. If he's not, and there are more days for him here, I may get scolded or a serious eye roll. But it's a risk I am more than willing to take because getting the scolding means he held on!
I love you Dad. Thanks for being such a loving and devoted father, loving me through my faults all these years, loving me more than I know.
Mind you, I am REALLY not complaining. This could be worse. Owen has done no exploding. Reuel and Asher are clear so far. There are extra people at my house to help out. But all the same, it has been a challenge. Two kids who've seen less of mommy than usual, one sick and one separation-anxiety-ridden, and a mommy who barely feels like getting off the couch...Reuel took the afternoon off, and I owe him BIG! Speaking of, Reuel has been a model husband during everything my family's dealing with. We are all blessed by his unflappability, eagerness to do extra chores and childcare (don't get the impression the house is clean...I'm talking bare bones making sure there aren't aging diapers in the corner of the room sort of chores), and his listening ear when three emotional women get going. Thank you Lord for Reuel, a real gift right now.
An update on my Dad...
I have stayed away from the hospital of course, to my frustration, because my Dad does not need a stomach bug. But Deb, Mom and Reuel report that he wasn't quite up to his previous standard of the last few days. Moving slower, still in charge of the mental faculties, but the speed turned down. He was staring off and falling asleep a lot. Now, he was also given drug adjustments (changed seizure med. and added morphine), so only time will tell if these new effects are here to stay or not. His oncologist said it could really go either way. He also said that usually when a patient in his situation is given steroids to reduce brain swelling, they often pop back strong, right away, which hasn't happened with my Dad. So the bottom line is that no one has any idea how this will go...it's a day by day journey, and it's challenging to not be able to 'know' more than that. Yesterday, he seemed like he was on a trajectory to possibly be able to make a trip home. But today, not ready at all. There are 6 more radiation treatments, and 6+ days is a long way off in terms of knowing where he'll be. Please pray for my Dad's pain to be well-managed. Please pray that the Lord would smooth the path ahead so that it is clear what needs to happen at each step...what can we do but leave it in His able hands. I still pray for healing. I know my Dad would like to jump back into life and at the least be home again. But he has always affirmed that He is at peace with how things will unfold.
Now, here's a risk. If my Dad is headed soon for heaven, I don't think he'll be upset that I'm posting this picture. If he's not, and there are more days for him here, I may get scolded or a serious eye roll. But it's a risk I am more than willing to take because getting the scolding means he held on!
I love you Dad. Thanks for being such a loving and devoted father, loving me through my faults all these years, loving me more than I know.
Friday, May 14, 2010
shock
I'm up after everyone else is in bed tonight just for a little while because we decided to have a birthday party for Owen's 3rd at the hospital tomorrow with Dad. We had suspended getting anything together for it temporarily, but then Dad was asking about Owen's birthday and what was going on, so we are doing something since tomorrow is the first day we will be able to take the kids for a visit (out of ICU onto a 'normal' floor at Mass General finally)! I told Dad I was going to bring a cake and have a little party for Owen there, and Dad's response? 'Bring enough for the the whole floor. That's how you make friends in a place like this!' So, my Dad is still exercising his hospitality gift, right from a hospital bed. I love it. From about 8:30p til now I cranked out a big chocolate cake in a pan, a cake to decorate quickly for Owen, and a cherry pie that I already had in the works (a Dad favorite). So, we might not catch the whole floor, but there will be plenty to share. We the parents have no gift for Owen, but between all of the gifts we've been handed by relatives, he's got a respectable pile waiting for him. Owen has no idea his birthday is going to be tomorrow, since this was all decided tonight, and will be very excited when he finds out.
Working in the kitchen tonight, in quiet solitude, gets the mind going. Thinking about my Dad and what he's going through is like a tide...I stop processing for a while, think on other things, block it out temporarily, especially when there's a positive development here or there. But after a while of that, it all comes roaring back and freshly steamrolls me again. Right now, I can hardly believe that Dad isn't sleeping in the guest room, but in a hospital tonight. I can't stand that he has to sleep alone there and we are all sleeping at home and separated; it doesn't seem like a time to spend even a moment apart, but it doesn't help the situation to get exhausted, and a hospital is not a great place to sleep (ask my Dad). Then, I can't even yet grasp that we may have to say goodbye at some point way sooner than we all ever anticipated. I'm wrapping up cake in plastic wrap and just realizing that these days feel so surreal, bizarre, not our lives. I'm just shocked. You can know abstractly that these things happen, but oh, it is so much different when it's *my* Dad. And what gets to me more than how I feel about the goodbye, is imagining what my Dad is feeling and thinking...I know he has sought purposefully and faithfully to trust God with whatever happens and to train his mind on what is true. But there is so much emotion even while trusting, and it is a lot to be going through.
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
God, please be ever-present with us, we ask you for peace that moves from head to heart.
Dad got a first session of radiation today, of 10 days total, designed to shrink the brain tumors and decrease swelling. God-willing, my parents would like to go back to NC after that. I'm not sure of many other details of this palliative treatment as I wasn't able to be at the hospital for many of those discussions today. Looking forward to good visiting time tomorrow. I love you, Dad!
Working in the kitchen tonight, in quiet solitude, gets the mind going. Thinking about my Dad and what he's going through is like a tide...I stop processing for a while, think on other things, block it out temporarily, especially when there's a positive development here or there. But after a while of that, it all comes roaring back and freshly steamrolls me again. Right now, I can hardly believe that Dad isn't sleeping in the guest room, but in a hospital tonight. I can't stand that he has to sleep alone there and we are all sleeping at home and separated; it doesn't seem like a time to spend even a moment apart, but it doesn't help the situation to get exhausted, and a hospital is not a great place to sleep (ask my Dad). Then, I can't even yet grasp that we may have to say goodbye at some point way sooner than we all ever anticipated. I'm wrapping up cake in plastic wrap and just realizing that these days feel so surreal, bizarre, not our lives. I'm just shocked. You can know abstractly that these things happen, but oh, it is so much different when it's *my* Dad. And what gets to me more than how I feel about the goodbye, is imagining what my Dad is feeling and thinking...I know he has sought purposefully and faithfully to trust God with whatever happens and to train his mind on what is true. But there is so much emotion even while trusting, and it is a lot to be going through.
1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
God, please be ever-present with us, we ask you for peace that moves from head to heart.
Dad got a first session of radiation today, of 10 days total, designed to shrink the brain tumors and decrease swelling. God-willing, my parents would like to go back to NC after that. I'm not sure of many other details of this palliative treatment as I wasn't able to be at the hospital for many of those discussions today. Looking forward to good visiting time tomorrow. I love you, Dad!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
update
A quick update on my Dad...
This morning when I arrived to see Dad, he was sitting up in a chair and is off of IV meds! He is not quite his full self...he is suffering with pain, fatigue and no doubt the emotions induced by going through all of this and the news of extensive cancer. But still, he has come a long way in a handful of days, and we received word that he's headed to Mass General sometime today...HUGE thanks for your prayers, and praise God for this move. Now he will be evaluated by his oncologists, and there will be discussion of what comes next. It won't be easy, as some tough choices may need to be made, but better than sitting idle in a room with the feeling of no progress (if you know my Dad, you know he likes to make progress and get the info he needs to make decisions!). He reluctantly polished off a plate of breakfast to get all of the family and hospital staff nags off of his back (not much appetite), and seemed more conversational and perked up after some calories.
Yesterday, two of my Dad's friends from his former church in Illinois FLEW IN for a visit! It was fantastic. My Dad, and the rest of us, benefited from their kindness and love immensely. They even brought chocolate chip cookies :) The whole event was full of God's love for my Dad, and it was wonderful to hear of their respect for my Dad in the role he played at the church, and the times they had enjoyed with him. How fantastic to hear about how well he had served there from his peers. Thank you.
Please pray for...
...healing
...the move to MGH this afternoon
...meetings and evaluations with his Dr.'s ASAP
...wisdom and clarity with decision-making
...the possibility of palliative treatment in NC
...adequate health to potentially return home
...that with all hospital transfers and possible treatments, the red tape would be dispensed with quickly so that he could get started sooner than later if that is what is to happen.
...for alleviation of his discomfort...head, eye pain, incessant hiccups, still some minimal confusion
...for meaningful conversations between all of us and God's comfort and peace during a tough emotional time.
...strength and endurance for my mom, too.
With love and gratitude for your support,
Amy
This morning when I arrived to see Dad, he was sitting up in a chair and is off of IV meds! He is not quite his full self...he is suffering with pain, fatigue and no doubt the emotions induced by going through all of this and the news of extensive cancer. But still, he has come a long way in a handful of days, and we received word that he's headed to Mass General sometime today...HUGE thanks for your prayers, and praise God for this move. Now he will be evaluated by his oncologists, and there will be discussion of what comes next. It won't be easy, as some tough choices may need to be made, but better than sitting idle in a room with the feeling of no progress (if you know my Dad, you know he likes to make progress and get the info he needs to make decisions!). He reluctantly polished off a plate of breakfast to get all of the family and hospital staff nags off of his back (not much appetite), and seemed more conversational and perked up after some calories.
Yesterday, two of my Dad's friends from his former church in Illinois FLEW IN for a visit! It was fantastic. My Dad, and the rest of us, benefited from their kindness and love immensely. They even brought chocolate chip cookies :) The whole event was full of God's love for my Dad, and it was wonderful to hear of their respect for my Dad in the role he played at the church, and the times they had enjoyed with him. How fantastic to hear about how well he had served there from his peers. Thank you.
Please pray for...
...healing
...the move to MGH this afternoon
...meetings and evaluations with his Dr.'s ASAP
...wisdom and clarity with decision-making
...the possibility of palliative treatment in NC
...adequate health to potentially return home
...that with all hospital transfers and possible treatments, the red tape would be dispensed with quickly so that he could get started sooner than later if that is what is to happen.
...for alleviation of his discomfort...head, eye pain, incessant hiccups, still some minimal confusion
...for meaningful conversations between all of us and God's comfort and peace during a tough emotional time.
...strength and endurance for my mom, too.
With love and gratitude for your support,
Amy
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Running the gauntlet
There's a lot I'd like to record so I can remember it, but I don't have it in me right now. We are keeping vigil with my Dad in the ICU down the street. He is doing much, much better now--awake, stable, sitting up, talking sensibly, drinking, and eating a little. Starting Saturday, though, none of those things were the case. The HATED, EVIL melanoma has spread in my Dad's body, and tumor tissue in his brain caused a seizure than landed him unconscious in the ER on Saturday, just an hour after he picked us up from the airport after our TX trip. My mom was out of town too. (What we were all thinking while making these plans, I don't know, but all I can say is that it seemed OK at the time.) It is so, so characteristic of my Dad that he accomplished his agenda item of retrieving us at the airport and successfully depositing us in the door of our house before he collapsed. If you know my Dad, you know he is 100% reliable if he makes a schedule commitment. And, he's usually 30 minutes early, too. I mentioned this absolute consistency in his character today to him as I was trying to outline what happened on Saturday (he has no recollection of any of it), and he had to agree and smile a bit :) We are also fully aware and need to give credit where it's due that God had his hand on all of us and protected us from a potentially very dangerous highway car wreck.
We're now awaiting his transfer to the hospital where his oncologist practices, rather than switching to new doctors at the local hospital, where he was taken to the ER and is now in the ICU. We'll know more about the future then, hopefully. He's come a long way in just 3 days, from an intubated unconscious form in bed, to breathing with effort on his own again and very scramble-brained, to making sense and appearing back to himself, except for discomfort and disillusionment with being in a hospital bed, waking up to bad news seemingly out of nowhere. This is not an easy road for any of us, and I don't think it would be honest to say that knowing God and eternal realities makes all the discomfort of these days go away. But also, where would we be without that knowledge.
Enough talk, need to get back to my Dad.
Love you Dad :)
We're now awaiting his transfer to the hospital where his oncologist practices, rather than switching to new doctors at the local hospital, where he was taken to the ER and is now in the ICU. We'll know more about the future then, hopefully. He's come a long way in just 3 days, from an intubated unconscious form in bed, to breathing with effort on his own again and very scramble-brained, to making sense and appearing back to himself, except for discomfort and disillusionment with being in a hospital bed, waking up to bad news seemingly out of nowhere. This is not an easy road for any of us, and I don't think it would be honest to say that knowing God and eternal realities makes all the discomfort of these days go away. But also, where would we be without that knowledge.
Enough talk, need to get back to my Dad.
Love you Dad :)
Friday, May 7, 2010
Waltz Across Texas
We're still in Texas, on day 9 of our trip in honor of Reuel's grandmother's 90th birthday! Her party was fantastic. Tons of family piled onto a riverboat that glided quietly up and down the river in Austin with perfect weather, a breeze, good food, beautiful spring green shores and impressive riverside mansions, a local flavor trio for entertainment and of course, yummy birthday cake! But the best was fun with the fam. The kids had a blast. Owen was very fascinated with all the instruments in the band...accordion, euphonium (we think?), eukelele, guitars, etc. He woke up talking about them the next day. The most fun was watching the kids dance to the band...Owen's white-boy dancing involves a lot of jumping up and down, and an INSISTENCE on holding cousin Hannah's hand. He was quite focused on it! Here's a wonderful clip Uncle Galen managed to catch:
Owen and Hannah Waltz Across Texas
After the party, we stayed with the fam in Austin, then Waco, and now in Dallas. Coming to Texas this time of year is dangerous...the weather is still pretty nice :) Beautiful, actually. And the trees and grass are nice and springy green, not summer brown yet. I hear Massachusetts is getting nice weather-wise too. We would love to stay here longer, but a 10 day trip is long with little ones too. It will be good to be in our own beds again. But we're enjoying every minute with the family while we have it! More details later, hopefully!
Owen and Hannah Waltz Across Texas
After the party, we stayed with the fam in Austin, then Waco, and now in Dallas. Coming to Texas this time of year is dangerous...the weather is still pretty nice :) Beautiful, actually. And the trees and grass are nice and springy green, not summer brown yet. I hear Massachusetts is getting nice weather-wise too. We would love to stay here longer, but a 10 day trip is long with little ones too. It will be good to be in our own beds again. But we're enjoying every minute with the family while we have it! More details later, hopefully!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
