separation

Sigh.  What a lovely morning turned ugly afternoon.  Usually Reuel drops Owen off at the pool with his teacher for swimming lessons.  Owing to the skiing, today it was me, and what a nightmare.  Reuel says Owen is somewhat hesitant, but eventually does OK going to the teacher.  Well, with momma it's a different story.  He cried the whole way into the pool, during changing his clothes, and then clung to me for dear life.  In hindsight, I needed to hand him to the teacher and leave and he probably would have adjusted quickly (maybe).  But I didn't know how bad it was going to get, and they actually encouraged me to come to the pool edge and reassure him...so much worse than the band-aid method, from experience.  Then I lost my cool and started getting frustrated with him, threatening consequences, offering bribes, etc.  I was able to reign it in again and we went to the locker room to talk, but he was dead set against the whole thing.  Now, 30 minutes later, we just went home; the lesson was over.  The worst part is that I let myself get so angry that I couldn't control him that I really laid some shame on him for how he was acting.  Sure, it was partly manipulative, but there was real anxiety on his part.  I don't think shaming him and making him feel bad and embarrassed was the way to go, and won't help for the future.  Reactions like that from me will only lead him to feel like he's bad or inadequate next time(s) he feels nervous about a new situation, and that's not what he needs from his mom.  I'm not really sure how to handle things like today, but I know I didn't handle it well.  Then, I was losing my temper with him the rest of the evening, because he was acting up mostly as a result of the unsettling afternoon.  It is so hard to remain cool, calm and collected and lead by example.  It's much easier to demonstrate bad behavior or to be inconsistent, then get frustrated with the kid when they only do exactly what you've taught them, thus passing the buck.  I've been a pro at that lately.  :(

Well, before bed just now Owen and I were having some tender moments and talking about things.  We read the rhyme bible story of Jonah, something to the effect of God said go, go, go and Jonah said no, no, no.  I commented that Jonah didn't obey as I turned the page.  Owen locked onto that and wanted to read that first page over and over and kept saying, 'Jonah didn't obey!'  As in, there's someone else like me out there!  It was nice to watch him put the pieces of the story together, and on the last page when Jonah finally did obey Owen noticed that he had a happy face.  So we talked about how sometimes even when we don't want to obey, we're often happier if we do.  I was really impressed with the depth of the little conversation we were having and Owen really seeming to catch on to some abstract ideas.  Then we got into a whole talk about God and I realized you may be planting some seeds but you can never really be sure what actually grows in a 2.5 year old mind.  For example, a few snippets from the conversation...

Me:  Owen, God knows everything about you!  He understands all the things you think about, he made every part of you, and he even knows how many hairs are on your head!
Owen:  God made these parts (sticking fingers in nostrils) and these parts (sticking fingers in ears).  He counts all my hairs but not Asher's; they are brown.

Me:  Praying is just talking to God.  We can pray and talk to God about anything.
Owen:  Can God talk to me?
Me:  Well, usually we don't hear him like he has a voice, but when we pray and read the Bible sometimes it is like God is talking with a very quiet voice.
Owen: [pauses with his neck stretched; white noise is coming from Asher's room monitor nearby]  Maybe we can hear him talking on Asher's monitor really quiet?

Here's one that is deep truth in 2.5 year old form...
Me:  Owen, do you want to pray tonight?  You know how we start:  Dear God...
Owen:  Dear God.    Dear Owen.
Me:  Dear God...
Owen:  Dear Owen!
Me:  Owen, we're praying to God so we say Dear God.
Owen:  I want to be God!  I want Owen to be God!
Me:  Well, God is in charge of everything and made the whole world.  That job is way too big for Owen.
Owen:  I don't want God to be in charge!  I want to be in charge!

Isn't that where most of my own struggles lie!