Ok, just to fully purge my mind of this topic. Then I can get back to life.

How's a person supposed to know what to do. I read this seemingly highly applicable and resonating excerpt last night before bed from a book called, 'The Challenging Child, Understanding, Raising, and Enjoying the Five "Difficult" Types of Children" by leading child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan.

The Defiant Child

Behavior
The defiant child can be negative, stubborn, controlling. He often does the opposite of what is expected or asked of him. He faces difficulty with transitions and prefers repetition or slow change. He tends to be a perfections and compulsive. As an infant, this child may be fussy, difficult, and resistant to changes in routine. As a toddler, when negative behavior is common to all children, he may be even more angry, defiant, and stubborn than most children his age. This child, however, can show joyful exuberance at certain times. A defiant older child or adult may be argumentative and frequently engage in power struggles. He may use passive defiance as a coping strategy or he may try to avoid difficult situations. In contrast to the fearful, cautious person, he doesn't become fragmented when overwhelmed, but reacts instead by trying to control his world as tightly as possible. When moderated, this child's perfectionism and boldness may well help him as a student or in later work.

Physical Makeup
The defiant child may have many of the same sensitivities to touch, sound, sight, and motion as the highly sensitive child. But, unlike the highly sensitive child, the defiant child tends to have relatively better 'visual-spatial' abilities. That is, he can organize in his mind what he sees and hears better than many other children. HE uses this strong ability to ehlp keep himself from getting overwhelmed by what he is experiencing. This means that he becomes very controlling about his environment, hence, his demanding, stubborn behavior.

How Parents Respond
It is tempting to respond to the defiant child by becoming angry, instrusive, and punitive. While this is an understandable response to infuriating behavior, it is likely to intensify the defiant child's behavior. Caregiver patterns that are soothing, empathetic, and supportive of slow, gradual change (and that avoid power struggles) tend to enhance the defiant child's flexibility.

Then today I read this about strong-willed children from Dr. Dobson:

A child's attitude toward parental authority is [like the window in which the brain can learn speech]. He passes through a brief window of opportunity during late infancy and toddlerhood whne respect and 'awe' can be instilled. But that pliability will not last long. If his early reach for power is successful, he will not willingly give it up--ever. The tougher the temperament of the child, the more critical it is to 'shape his will' early in life.

...You must be prepared to deliver on the promise [of discipline], because he will continue to challenge you until it ceases to be fun. That's the way he is made. If that response never comes, his insults [toward his parents] will probably become more pronounced, ending in adolescent nightmares. Appeasement for a strong-willed child is an invitation to warfare. Never forget this fact: the classic strong-willed child craves power from his toddler years and even earlier. Since Mom is the nearest adult who is holding the reins, he will hack away at her until she lets him drive his own buggy.

Well, hopefully I am not crazy in seeing a conflict between these stances. I hate this feeling that choosing a wrong fork in the road will lead to certain demise. This is why I have avoided reading parenting books, because I get so agitated. Thanks for your comment yesterday, Deb, I think you hit the nail on the head ;)

Now I've laid bare my deep motherly anxieties. Blogging is a curious phenomenon...the things I will publish to the world...!